MAG Poetry Competition 2011 – Shortlisted Poem

When We Lived in the Trees

by Sion Rickard

I remember the days when we lived in the trees
We’d embrace in the branches and cling to the leaves
We’d succumb to the hum of the birds and the bees
Life was good when we lived in the trees
 
I remember the days when we lived in the air
When the people below would look up and stare
And we’d laugh in their faces ‘cos we didn’t care
We were free when we lived in the air
 
I remember the days when we lived in the sea
When the break of each wave brought you closer to me
And yes there were shapes in the shadows, but we
Kept afloat when we lived in the sea
 
I remember the days when we lived in the earth
Entwined in the roots, and I said you are worth
More than all that life is; it was like the rebirth
Of our love, when we lived in the earth
 
And I remember the days of concrete and dust
High-rise hopes, dirty walls; the days we lost trust
And the girders that held us together now rust
 
And I wish we still lived in the trees.

Added: 26.04.2011

Judges' comments on this poem

05.05.2011

Moved from childhood to adulthood neatly without loosing its focus of the tree. The rhyming was intense but the images nice.

07.05.2011

I really love your use of such innocent language to depict such a mature theme. The rhyme works really well and the ending is well executed.

13.05.2011

like the rhythm

17.05.2011

Love the pace and rythm except line "more than all that life is..." as it didn't seem to flow as well as the rest but generally excellent

17.05.2011

Heartfelt and very accomplished rhythmically. Feel the end is a little obvious, though: natural=good, man-made=bad

17.05.2011

Sing-song, but well done. I like how the high-rise stanza deviates noticeably from the rhyme structure. Intentional? If so, extra kudos.

18.05.2011

Loved the rhyme and the rhythm. Loose and exuberant and slightly mysterious.

19.05.2011

Very well crafted and easily accessible poem. Liked the way each stanza resonates with a repeition of it's opening line.

19.05.2011

I loved the rhythm and lightness of this poem. The repetition of the last line particularly effective.

28.05.2011

The rhythm seems jungle-y to me. I like it.

29.05.2011

A lovely rhythm created with the rhyme, read aloud it works so well. Great poem.

08.06.2011

I like dteh sentimenst of this, but felt teh scan of teh last stanza let it down a little. Still rated it third though.

08.06.2011

I liked the repetition of the natural elements and the soft unfolding of the ideas. Lovely image.

08.06.2011

Really cute poem, great form! Especially like the pattern with last line of each stanza. Flows well, nice ideas, if a bit loose at times.

08.06.2011

I really enjoy the way this is written.

08.06.2011

really nice poem is a shame thing are not as simple as they once were xxx

10.06.2011

Fun and whimsical, I so enjoyed this!Close.

10.06.2011

I love the ending. :) So sad.

11.06.2011

I like the repetitions and movement of the poem, then the break from the pattern with the closing line

13.06.2011

Reads well and makes sense!

14.06.2011

Lovely strong rhythm. Felt the metaphors could be stronger and could work for you more.

14.06.2011

Lovely rhythm.

17.06.2011

Apparently effortless evocation of the stages of a relationship, but maintaining that rhyme and rhythmic structure requires great skill

17.06.2011

Simple and wholesome, but wistful and sad.

17.06.2011

it was a very hard choice to pick the winners, as they were so good, but i really enjoyed this poem.

18.06.2011

liked the rhyme scheme of the poem and the way it moves on.

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